I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
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Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
Real House Wines.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.