I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
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Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
Doggies just call it style.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽