me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
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Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
our love story in four pictures
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
Anime is real
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan