Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
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Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
Go hard or stay average
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
So the ex texted me
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.