the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
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How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
Geez man, take it easy.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain