Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
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My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.