After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
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My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know