[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
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Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
two people or more is called a problem
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets