I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
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My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.