One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
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Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.