Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
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Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.