She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
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While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
peak technology
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
As the best book lists of 2021 drop