My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
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Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.