Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
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“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
Get off my horse you stupid moon
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.