All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
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Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”