Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
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Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you