Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
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“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
is nasa ok
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone