nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
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I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter