DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
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Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.