Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
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I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
How funny!
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
…u ok Nintendo?
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry