Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
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relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …