Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
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Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years