What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
You Might Also Like
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
my nickname in college
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.