my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
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Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
I missed you with all my darts
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.