What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
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Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
My neck my back my allergy attack
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.