Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
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What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
How animals would run if they were human
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*