Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
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Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.