Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
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my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.