Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
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My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.