grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
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Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
Stop making fast and furious movies.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021