My chiropractor is a crack addict.
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The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math