7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
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If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.