Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
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Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
I hope it’s French Onion!
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
me before I type out affect or effect
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.