After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
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me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.