7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
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Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?