Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
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Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
How does one answer this?
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
Lol.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.