modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
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Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
“and how does that make you feel?”
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas