There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
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Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.