ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
You Might Also Like
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.