*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
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Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man