Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
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It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
“Wait, let me explain..”
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.