You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
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If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.