I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
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Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
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Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!