Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
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I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
So creative 😂
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
Boating season is upon us.
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”