[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
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Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
Is fake venison called venisn’t