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Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.