Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
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cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
Teach your children to beatbox
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
me irl
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators