Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
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Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.