She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
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DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
Lmao the reply
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor