Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
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I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise